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Where was i ... oh yeah "for 30 years". My children grew up, moved out (except for the youngest)i was left with this man and no one to take the attention away. The one left at home was 18 and was basically on her own. I found myself asking "NOW WHAT?" alot of the time. All we had was comfort -

I had a full time job away from the home which i enjoyed (still do) but i work in a college environment with people in their 30's. I am happy to call them my friends but they certainly didnt understand what i was feeling. I turned to my computer and facebook to meet up with friends my own age, some i grew up with, others i have known and moved away from. I think i neglicted to say that because i was so unhappy i couldnt stand to see anyone else happy - I pushed many of my friends away for that reason. Anyhow... facebook is a great tool to catch up with people, and to meet new friends.

I had been on facebook for about 6 months really enjoying conversations with old friends. When while online one day in july i went to a friends page and down in the lefthand corner of the page was Stans name. My heart began thumping, palms sweaty, breathing rapid ... you get the picture. Should I friend request him? should I not? I thought what the heck I will - maybe he wont even accept the request. Well, within 24 hours he accepted. Okay... well maybe that will be that I can see what is going on in his life and him with me. Purely platonic! No harm no foul! right? Wrong!

One day not long after that initial contact we were both on at the same time and opened a chat. We found ourselves talking everyday very frequently throughout the day. I would wake up in the middle of the night to see if he posted a message and more times then not there was one. Then he went on a vacation in August for a week ---no internet--- When he returned we realized that this was much more than a deep friendship. Stan went out that night to a bar (not common practice for him) because all he did was think of me. When he got home his message left in the middle of the night was a simple one "I am falling in love with you".

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My Phase I

The wedding went smoothly as did the marriage for 30 years. We had 3 great kids and lived a content life. We had ups and downs, laughter and tears, good days and bad... but there was always something missing. I loved him like a brother, like a best friend NOT like a lover, NOT like a husband. There was no passion - no heart wrenching moments. Just went through the motions.

Thats not to say we werent happy - WE WERE! But still, something missing... a loneliness. Whenever we would argue I would always think about Stan. When I fantasized it was always about Stan. Good dreams always included Stan... I didn't think other people felt that way. I sound obsessed - I wasn't I lived my day normally sometimes not thinking about him for months. But then it always came back to him...for 30 years.

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Then...

When I was 14 years old i began middle school and little did i know but i met the man of my dreams that year, his name was Stan. He and I dated off and on until we were 17 years old. The grass always looks greener when you are a teenage boy, you want to date girls with last names like "Will", "Might", and "Did" - not a girl whose middle name was "Stop" and whose confirmation name was "Don't", if you get what i mean. A month after our 17th birthday (we were born a week apart)he broke up with me and i swore i would never take him back (nevers a long time people).

I met a young man a month later, we were engaged 2 months after that. The first thing i thought of when he slipped the engagement ring on my finger was "I can't wait to show Stan - this my friends should've been a hint that maybe this engagement should not happen. But i sure did prove to Stan that i didn't need him anymore ... didn't I?

The night before my wedding my maid of honor called Stan to let him know when the wedding was to take place. Why you ask? Because I asked her to (2nd hint? Probably). When I got to the church there were many whispers that Stan was outside,I looked and saw him there, he came to the wedding to "take me away". I didn't know his intentions until many years later. He spoke with my father who told him I was happy and if Stan loved me he needed to leave and not do this to me on "the happiest day of my life". What dad didnt know was that if Stan had come into the church i would've gone with him.

I didn't see Stan for the next 30 years...but thought of him often.

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More Later...

And it begins...

I was writing under a different blog two years ago when my life changed forever. I had been married for 30 years, i thought happily - i was wrong. I gave birth to 3 beautiful children two girls and one boy - i threw my whole being into them - but now they were grown. I was left with a comfortable life, but not a happy one. Going through the motions everyday, i was miserable, my marriage was miserable something had to change.

Along came facebook...